Seating Hierarchy

Posted: November 1st, 2009 | Author: Anonymous | Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: crazy | No Comments »

A spam-talker boarded my bus going to Holland Village the other day.

Spam-talker: n. Obviously mentally ill individual who spouts a continuous stream of gibberish, at full-volume, with little regard for the people around him/her.

Name inspired by 2 kb spam mail, from unknown senders, e.g. “Ella Guru,” usually accompanied by the subject, “hi,” or “Re: hi.”

Text of email is comprised of phrases which are incomprehensible to those who do not speak fluent Subliminal Advertiseze, e.g. effluvia snake-nails blueberry toast packets … three square meals from bottled peroxide … tooth vacuum rumble shaker viagra … last all night long … invest in nigeria… ?

See also:  nut job.

We’ve all received those emails in our junk folders.

The man I saw today had nothing to accompany him but his ez link card and a pack of Marlboro Menthols he held in his fist. As such, he was conspicuously ignored by the rest of the passengers.

Now, there is a hierarchy of seating on public transportation. When the bus is nearly empty, seating is first-come-first-serve, but as the seats fill, The Fit are expected to relinquish their seats for the sakes of pregnant women, little old ladies, the physically handicapped, etc. If, say, the bus is full of little old ladies, and a pregnant woman boards, a judgment call is involved. Such as, if there’s an able-bodied senior on the bus, and the woman who boards is pregnant with a whole litter, the expectant mother should be able to sit.Think of it as a reversed Survival of the Fittest. Imagine all of the passengers on the bus are being hunted by a pack of lions. Realistically, who would be first to get picked off? That person gets first seat on a crowded bus.

Spam-talkers transcend the entire hierarchy.

It doesn’t matter if the bus is full of albino, quadruple-amputee hermaphrodites, whose remaining trunks have each been shoved into separate roller-skates remote-controlled by joysticks held in their teeth, and they’re each carrying an Immaculately Conceived fetus of the next Messiah.

If a spam-talker gets on the bus, that poor, sick sumbitch can sit wherever the hell he wants.

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